For those who are interested, my motivation for writing this is that I always wanted to see Clark tell Lois about his dual identity himself. That isn't to say I didn't enjoy TF and ATAI/WHALLTA (I did!), but I wanted to explore the 'what if' of Clark's confession and Lois's response to it. Of course, this premise has been covered before, in many really great stories, but there is an added dimension to what I wanted to consider. I've always felt that Lois's pain over Clark's 'death' in TOGOM was swept aside and forgotten by the series continuity, but I couldn't believe that when she discovered the truth about Clark she would not feel a sense of betrayal...

All characters are the property of DC Comics, Warner Bros, and I suppose ABC, December 3rd Productions. The plot, such as it is, is mine. I also must acknowledge the 'borrowing' of a couple of my favourite lines of dialogue from TF: I couldn't resist it.

WendyMR
w.m.richards@hrm.keele.ac.uk
March 1998.

Lois pushed the door of her apartment shut and turned to Clark.

"At last - a free evening with no deadlines, no stakeouts and no interruptions!" she exclaimed with delight, discarding her coat and making her way into the kitchen to take a bottle of wine from the fridge. "Clark, can you open this while I get changed?" Without waiting for an answer, she thrust the bottle at him and hurried into her bedroom. Used to Lois's ways by now, Clark just raised one eyebrow with an amused smile and found a corkscrew. He could of course remove the cork without using the corkscrew, but since he was spending so much time with Lois these days he tended to be extra careful about not using his superpowers around her. He wanted to choose his moment to tell her about being Superman, not be forced into a confession because he'd given himself away...

"Haven't you poured it yet?" Lois demanded, returning wearing a Metro-U sweatshirt and shorts. Without waiting for an answer, she went straight to the sofa and flung herself down, turning to watch Clark approach with the wine and glasses. As he settled himself beside her, she wriggled closer to him so that she was leaning against him, and he was able to drop his arm around her shoulders. Clark enjoyed being with Lois like this, and enjoyed even more being able to touch her without an excuse. They had been 'best friends' for some time now, and had even had a couple of evenings out together which had not simply happened because they'd been working late together, or because they were both at a loose end and needed someone to go to a movie with... He had kissed her a few times, and she hadn't seemed to object; in fact, the last time he had taken her out to dinner she had even kissed him goodnight when he had walked her home - before sending him away with the excuse that it was late and they had an early start in the morning. So things were going well, he thought; she might even be ready to accept him as a boyfriend rather than a best friend. He might even be able to tell her he loved her. If only...

Yes, he reminded himself ruefully. There's still the little problem of the 'other job', the one she knows nothing about and which you haven't told her about. <I should tell her now> he told himself. <I should just come out with it and get it over with. After all, what can she say?>

Plenty. That's just the problem, the small voice in his head pointed out. After all, you did lie to her. You pretended that you and Superman were two different people, and worst of all, you didn't trust her enough to tell her the truth. You know Lois: you don't need too much imagination to know how she'll react to *that!*

And it's not as if you haven't had opportunities to tell her, the little voice continued. After all, she knows that Superman and you are 'friends', and that you seem to be the only person who can contact Superman on a reliable basis - without having to lean out of a window and shout 'HELP' either! And she has been asking more and more questions about Superman recently. Like last week at your apartment...

Out of the blue she'd observed, "Thanks to Diana Stride, I know that Superman comes here to wash his suits - not that *you* were ever going to tell me, of course," she'd added sarcastically, "but how come he never comes when I'm here? He's supposed to be my friend as well - at least I thought he was, he's told me he is, though there was that time-" She'd tailed off abruptly as if she had suddenly remembered that she didn't want to tell Clark whatever it was she'd started to say, though he had a pretty good idea. He still cringed inwardly with shame every time he remembered his 'lead-lined robe' remark the evening Lois had told him - as Superman - that she would love him even if he was just an ordinary guy. And he'd ended up driving her straight into Lex's arms!

Clark had struggled for a convincing explanation. "Oh, ah, he... he doesn't come here that often, and when he does he doesn't exactly stay around and chat... But I'm sure he's not avoiding you, Lois - I don't think Superman would do that. And he does consider you a close friend, I know."

At least that last bit was the truth, Clark comforted himself as his thoughts returned to the present. As for avoiding Lois as Superman, he *had* been doing that lately. Even though she had been showing signs for a few months now of being over her crush on Superman, he wasn't sure he could entirely trust himself to spend time with her in The Suit, particularly when she treated him so differently as Superman than as Clark. While she seemed happy to accept Superman as a friend, she still got excited about things like going flying with him, and she liked hugging or touching him if they were alone. Which was why he'd stopped coming to her apartment in The Suit; he wasn't sure how much longer he could stop himself returning her affectionate gestures and sweeping her off her feet and into his arms!

And what if you did do that, the little voice taunted him. What would she say if you asked her to give up Clark and be with Superman - if Superman said he was in love with her? You think she likes being with you as Clark and might just be falling in love with you - well, how long would that last if she thought Superman was hers for the asking? <I can't put her to the test like that!> Clark answered the annoying little voice in his head. <That REALLY shows how much I trust her, doesn't it!>

You're just afraid of what might happen, that she might actually dump you for Superman, the voice persisted. <But *I'm* Superman!> Clark insisted. Yes, but you want her to love Clark, not The Suit, don't you? the voice challenged.

"Earth calling Clark!" Lois's slightly irritated voice impinged on his consciousness. Judging by her expression, she had been trying to get his attention for some time. He pushed his thoughts to the back of his mind and gave her an apologetic smile. "Sorry, I was miles away. What were you saying?"

"It must have been important - you were completely oblivious! Is there something wrong? Or something I should know about?" she asked.

"No, no; I was just..." he hesitated, trying to come up with a convincing excuse. <I should be used to this by now!> he thought wryly. "I was trying to think of an angle for that op-ed piece Perry wants on the amendments to New Troy's discrimination code."

"I thought you'd got that all worked out," Lois challenged. "You said you didn't need any help on it."

"I don't," he said. "I know what I want to say; it's just a matter of getting the right angle. But we're supposed to be having an evening away from work. What do you want to do?" He congratulated himself on having got out of that one, at least.

"Well, I had asked you which video you wanted to watch," she pointed out with a hint of sarcasm. "But you were too busy obsessing about work - and you call me a workaholic!"

"Sorry," he apologised. "So: it's Gone with the Wind or War and Peace - there wouldn't be a bit of a theme there, Lois, would there?" he challenged with a grin.

"So what if I felt like watching an epic romance?" Lois replied. "It's not a crime!"

"No, of course not," Clark replied. "And as it happens, I think they're both great movies." He got up, selected a tape and inserted it into the VCR, topping up his and Lois's wineglasses before sitting down again. Lois snuggled into the crook of his shoulder again as the theme music to Gone with the Wind wafted across the room. "Oh, you farmboy!" she teased. "How predictable!"

Clark laughed and wrapped his arm more tightly around Lois, loving the feel of her against his body, the scent of her hair and her perfume surrounding him. It was at times like this - which were, unfortunately, all too rare given the demands of their work at the Planet (and of his other job) - that he wished time would simply forget to move on. She seemed comfortable as well, he thought, watching her sip her wine as she followed the events in the young Scarlett O'Hara's life. He had known Lois liked Gone with the Wind, and he could understand it: Scarlett, the heroine, was a feisty, strong woman who was well able to stand up for herself and run rings around the men in her life. But she had a bad habit of choosing the wrong men, while failing to notice or appreciate the man who genuinely cared about her and was always there for her... just like Lois, he thought wryly. But not any more, he hoped. After all, she was with him now!

"Mmmm, this is nice," Lois remarked, interrupting his reverie. "No interruptions, and you haven't run off once!"

He winced at this reference to his penchant for doing disappearing acts. His excuses were getting more and more pathetic, he knew. And what was worse, Lois was beginning to take his disappearances personally.

"It's not that I don't want to be with you, Lois," he tried to explain. "It's just..." He tailed off as at that precise moment his superhearing kicked in. <Damn it!> he thought. <Not now - please!!!> But the voice on the radio, in an apartment downstairs somewhere, wouldn't go away. Two packed commuter trains had crashed and both had derailed, leaving hundreds of passengers trapped. Even worse, diesel was spilling from the fuel tank and there was a possibility of fire... He couldn't possibly just leave the emergency services to cope.

Lois hadn't failed to notice his distracted expression. She sat up and glared at him. "Oh no you're not - don't even *think* of leaving now!"

"Lois, I - I've got to go," he protested weakly, not wanting to at all; knowing that once he left her apartment he had absolutely no chance of spending any more time with her that evening - always assuming he could get away from the accident scene in under a few hours anyway. If he left now, he knew from experience that she would be furiously angry. Justifiably so, he reminded himself, since she had no idea of why he had to leave. Not only would she refuse to see him if he returned later, she would probably also spend the entire next day alternately ignoring him and treating him like something the cat had dragged in. He would be back to being the 'hack from Nowheresville', and all because of Superman. The great irony was that his alter ego, which he had invented to make his life easier, was actually making things far more difficult than he had ever imagined possible.

"Lois, I have to go, now," he said in an agonised tone, getting to his feet. His insides felt as if they were being twisted by a mangle, an odd sensation for a Kryptonian who had never been ill in his life, unless you counted the occasional encounter with Kryptonite. He wished he could tear himself in two; send Superman off to deal with the emergency so he could stay with Lois.

"Yeah? And what's the excuse this time? You forget to put out the garbage? Or feed the cat we both know you don't have? It couldn't possibly be the fact that you're scared of getting too close to someone, of having to talk about how you FEEL, could it?" she threw at him, standing up and flinging her arms out in a furious movement. The expression on her face only made him feel even worse than he already did.

"No! Of *course* I'm not scared of... Look, Lois, I HAVE to go, right now," he said urgently, as the radio announcer's voice took on a new tone of heightened tension. It seemed as if flames had just been spotted under one of the carriages. "I'm sorry, he called as he ran towards the door. "There's something I have to do - I'll be back as soon as I can."

He knew it had been a mistake to add that last promise, even before Lois's last words reached him.

"DON'T BOTHER!!!"

********************************

Left alone in her apartment, Lois collapsed onto the sofa, tears streaming down her face. She had only just managed not to cry in front of Clark, determined that he should not be able to see how much he could hurt her. Oblivious to the video still playing in the background, she sobbed quietly, "I don't understand you, Clark Kent. You're the only man I really thought I could love - but how can I love someone who treats me like this?"

She was vaguely aware of a sonic boom in the air outside her window, and something niggled at her subconscious. There was something about that sound, she realised. She shook her head, trying to dismiss the idea that there was something she should be aware of. *It's Superman*, she told herself. On his way to some emergency or other. She dried her eyes and forced herself to get to her feet, then switched the TV over to LNN. The picture changed to a disaster scene: railway carriages, a couple of which were on fire, were scattered all over the tracks and embankment, and ambulances, fire engines and emergency services workers were all over the scene. As she watched, Superman flew into view and quickly extinguished the flames, then conferred with the director of operations before lifting a carriage from its resting place on top of two others. Still keeping one eye on the TV, Lois went over to the phone and rang the Planet to check that a reporter from the newsroom was on the scene. On being told that Ralph and Jimmy were there, she decided to go into work and help with writing up the story for the morning edition. After all, she reasoned, what's the point in staying at home now? Might as well get another headline... Being occupied was better than sitting at home brooding, or weeping over some man who doesn't deserve it.

*And Clark Kent can go to Hell!!* she thought fiercely as she exited her apartment.

********************************

In the small hours of the morning, Clark landed quietly on his balcony and padded silently, wearily, into his apartment. He spun out of his Superman suit, changing into a sweatshirt and sleep-shorts, and gave his blackened, torn cape a grimace. It had been a long night. After putting the fire out, he had helped to separate carriages and free passengers who were able to walk, then under the direction of paramedics he had helped to locate people who were trapped in the wreckage. His heat vision had been working on overtime, as he had cut through the twisted metal of seats, doors, luggage racks and other obstacles. He had also in some cases X-rayed people in order to tell the paramedics which victims had broken bones, internal bleeding or other injuries. Later, he had flown a couple of ambulances direct to hospital emergency rooms either because victims needed immediate medical attention, or because their injuries wouldn't have withstood the bumping and discomfort of travel by road.

Once all victims had been cleared, the accident investigation people had wanted his help in determining how the accident had happened, so he had flown over the site and examined the tracks, the driver's compartments on both trains, the signals and so on. And as the accident site was still not safe for ordinary humans, he had lifted other carriages up and stabilised the position of others. Superman felt as if he had been the last to leave the accident site.

At least, Clark corrected himself, apart from the investigators. The paramedics and fire crews had gone long before, as had the massed representatives of the Press and television. At one point earlier in the evening, Clark had scanned the journalists and photographers, wondering whether Lois was there. She wasn't, but he did recognise Ralph and Jimmy. He had noticed that Jimmy was trying to get a good shot of Superman doing something heroic, and so as he lifted the next carriage he surreptitiously turned so that Jimmy would get a perfect angle, and held the pose until he could see that the young photographer had managed to get a couple of shots. At least I can still do something for my friends, Clark thought wearily. Not that anyone knows...

He looked again at the grimy and very smelly suit - besides the smoke from the fire he had extinguished, he had managed to get himself covered in diesel and, he was pretty sure, one or two other fairly unpleasant substances. "I suppose trains do have to have toilets," he observed aloud in a resigned tone, to no-one in particular. He bundled the suit up and threw it in the washing machine for an extra-long wash, with plenty of powder.

He thought about phoning Lois, but dismissed the thought just as quickly. It was nearly 4 am. She would be in bed, fast asleep.

********************************

Lois looked at her watch and saw that it was almost 4 am. Time to go home, she thought. The Planet team had done a good job on the rail crash story, and Jimmy had got some great pictures, especially the one with Superman lifting the crushed carriage. Lois thought that it seemed as if Superman was deliberately looking towards the camera, but she rejected the idea as fanciful. He had had a job to do - a very difficult job, she reminded himself. He would have been far too busy to care about newspapers getting their stories!

Perry had been surprised when she had shown up back at the Planet, especially as he had known that she and Clark had been planning a quiet evening together. He had asked Clark's whereabouts, but had dropped the subject very quickly when Lois had snarled, "I don't know, and I couldn't care less!" She immediately regretted having let her feelings show to that extent - after all, fond as she was of Perry, she didn't really want to discuss her relationship with Clark with anyone at this point. Not while she had no idea exactly what that relationship was! She assumed that Perry's apparent lack of interest meant that he had other things on his mind. It was noticeable, however, that none of her colleagues who were still in the newsroom mentioned Clark at all...

She yawned, stretched and got to her feet stiffly, collecting her bag and coat. "Jimmy, can you call me a cab?" she called to the young photographer who was still scurrying around the office.

"Sure, Lois - but I thought you came here in your Jeep?" Jimmy responded, looking at her over the pile of documents he was taking to the file-room for Perry.

"Yeah, I did, but I'm too tired to drive. I'll just leave it here for the night and take a cab or walk in the morning."

Jimmy hurried out of the elevator into the entrance lobby, followed more slowly by Lois. He found a cab within a minute or two, and Lois climbed in, giving her address. As the cab took her home, she again fell to thinking about the events of earlier that evening. She had really been looking forward to spending that evening with Clark, she knew. They had deliberately decided to stay in rather than going out somewhere, and Lois had hoped that it would mean that they would have an opportunity to talk properly. About their relationship, about where it was going, about how they felt about each other... <Guess I know how he feels about me now> Lois thought sadly. <Anyone who really did care about me would never drop me the minute something slightly more appealing came along.> But try as she might, she couldn't chase the image of Clark from her mind. His handsome features, dark hair, beautiful brown eyes and that body: how had she worked with him for over a year and never realised until just recently just how attractive and sexy he was? And not only that, he was about the most caring, sensitive and thoughtful man she had ever met in her life. <But he's not!> she told herself angrily. <If he really was that caring, if he really cared for *me*, he would never treat me like that...>

I should hate him, she thought, dragging herself up the stairs to her apartment. But I don't. If only he'd be honest with me! I guess I just have to admit that I was wrong about him. But then, my judgement in men has always been pretty poor, she acknowledged.

Wearily, Lois went into the bathroom for a perfunctory wash, and fell into bed.

**************************

"Hey, CK!"

Clark, striding in his normal loose-limbed fashion down the ramp into the newsroom, paused to greet Jimmy.

Clark had, unusually, been very reluctant to come into work this morning. He had tried to tell himself that it was tiredness, hardly surprising after his exertions of the night before. However, he knew very well that the real reason was that he wasn't sure he wanted to see Lois today. After their disastrous evening she'd be mad at him, he knew. And he wasn't sure if he could face being the target of the Lane temper. Especially since he knew that on one level he deserved it, but on another... well, he did have a very good reason for having to run off each time. But she didn't know that!

Jimmy had stopped and was looking at Clark expectantly. "So where did you get to last night, CK?"

"Last night?" Clark repeated, unsure where this was leading.

"Yeah - most of the team were in here until 4 or 5 writing up the train crash story."

"Oh yeah," Clark replied. "I saw the front page on the way in - nice picture, Jimmy. The Chief must have been very pleased with you."

"Yeah, he thought it was pretty cool. Even Lois seemed to like it, though she wasn't very talkative last night."

"Lois?" Clark was taken aback. "She was here?"

"Yeah, she came in at some stage while I was still out at the crash scene. Said she'd nothing better to do. She seemed a bit - I dunno - *driven*, though. You two had another argument?

Is it that obvious? Clark wondered. "Well...," he replied, stalling and shuffling awkwardly with his hands shoved into his pockets.

"I knew it!" Jimmy gave Clark what the younger man clearly believed was a 'man-to-man' conspiratorial smile. "See, even the Chief said we'd better not mention you in her hearing..."

Oh no, Clark thought with an inward groan as Jimmy chattered on. *That* bad? It was going to be a long day. He just hoped that his stop-off on the way into work in a desperate attempt to make up for his shortcomings was actually going to work. He finally allowed himself a glance in the direction of Lois's desk. She wasn't there.

Jimmy followed Clark's gaze and shrugged. "She's probably going to be late - she only went home a few hours ago."

"So when did you leave?" Clark asked, grateful for the opportunity to direct the conversation away from Lois.

"I didn't - I figured since Perry's pleased with my work at the moment I might as well stick around and find ways of impressing him further. You know he's already managed to syndicate my picture?"

"No - that's really great, Jimmy. But I guess I'd better do some work myself," Clark excused himself and continued over to his own desk. It seemed strange to look across at Lois's desk and see it empty. He sighed and logged onto his computer. At least he could make his own contribution to the story of the day, he thought wryly.

After he had typed up his exclusive 'interview' with Superman on the train crash, he reached for his telephone and called the accident investigation department, telling the officer who spoke to him that he had already spoken to Superman. That conversation gave him another story to work on, leading him to wish that his personal life could run as smoothly as his professional one.

Instinct rather than the benefit of any of his superpowers led him to look up suddenly. Lois was emerging from the elevator. She looked as poised, professional - and beautiful - as ever, but as he pulled down his glasses, under the cover of scratching his nose, and studied her closely he could see shadows under her eyes and, he thought, traces of tears. It nearly cut him in two to know that he and he alone had been the cause of her pain.

Lois walked swiftly over to her desk without stopping to exchange greetings with any of her co-workers; in fact, a couple noticed the 'don't speak to me unless you don't care about keeping your head on your neck' look and deliberately steered a wide berth. Clark knew that look well by now, but it had been a long time since he had been the cause of it. He took a deep breath. "Good morning, Lois."

Lois carried on logging into her computer and began to check for messages. Outwardly she looked cool and uncaring - or so she hoped. Inwardly she was shaking. <How the *hell* could he sit there looking so - so *normal*, and speak to her as if nothing had happened? When she had been devastated at his walking out on her *yet again* without any kind of explanation?> Forget him, an inner voice reminded her. Anyone who treats you like that isn't worth it - he's certainly not worth crying yourself to sleep over again.

She gave herself a shake and continued scanning her incoming mailbox, then noticed the file Clark had LANed to her earlier. She called it up and quickly realised what it was. She looked accusingly at Clark. "How did you manage to get an exclusive interview with Superman when you weren't even around last night?"

Clark flinched at the biting tone. He had already decided that speaking to Lois had been a mistake: given the mood she was in that would be held against him as well. But he replied in the most even tone he could manage, "He came by my place this morning. His suit was in a bit of a state after the crash and he needed to clean it. It seemed like... a good opportunity, I guess."

"Yeah, it would do," Lois retorted. "And you get another exclusive!"

Clark shook his head, annoyed and hurt at the accusation. "Make the byline Lane and Kent if it means that much to you - I really don't care!" He added, "By the way, I've spoken to the accident investigators and got some information for a follow-up."

Lois ignored the latter part of Clark's answer and glared at him before returning her attention to her computer screen. Did he have to be so irritating? Offering her a joint byline on a great exclusive which, she knew, would get the paper lots of kudos, as if it meant nothing to him. <Ignore him and get to work!> she told herself. And I'll ask Perry to assign me another partner, the sooner the better, she promised herself.

"Where can I find Lois Lane?"

"Right over there."

Clark's superhearing picked up the exchange which had taken place by the elevator. He watched with mixed feelings as the delivery boy made his way across the newsroom. He remembered what had happened the last time he had sent Lois flowers at work. She had thought the yellow friendship roses were another 'gift' from the Prankster and had dropped them in the bin, pouring coffee over them. Admittedly, it had been a mistake and she had been genuinely apologetic, but still... Maybe this wasn't such a good idea, he thought with a grimace. Too late now, though. He ran his fingers anxiously through his hair as he pretended to be looking anywhere but in the direction of Lois.

Lois, on the other hand, was completely unaware of what was going on. By now engrossed in her work, she was interrupted by a strange voice asking, "You Lois Lane?"

"Yeah, who wants to know?" She looked up and saw an enormous bouquet of red roses. The delivery boy took note of her tone of voice and facial expression, and, deciding that his chances of getting a tip were minimal, simply placed the flowers on Lois's desk and hurried off. Unsure as to who the roses could be from, Lois opened the small envelope and drew out the gift card. She recognised the writing immediately.

I'm so sorry about last night.
Can I try to make it up to you?
Forgive me, please.
Clark.

Lois dropped the card from trembling fingers. This she had not expected, and she felt tears begin to prick at her eyelids. She got up abruptly and headed for the ladies' room, not wanting to let anyone at the Planet - and that included Clark Kent - catch her crying.

Clark saw her hasty exit from the newsroom and his heart sank. OK, she hadn't thrown the flowers away - at least, not yet - nor had she yelled at him. But on the other hand, nor had she thanked him nicely and said "Yes, Clark, of course I forgive you, let's just forget it." Who was he kidding? This was Lois he was dealing with!

Again, he used his super-vision to focus on her face, what he saw made him hate himself even more than he already did. She was clearly upset - again - and he hadn't intended that. And it was all his fault. Was he able to get nothing right? He got up and headed in the direction Lois had taken. His superhearing picked up the sound of her blowing her nose and wiping her eyes; he X-rayed through the door of the ladies' room, first checking that no-one could see him, and confirmed his suspicions.

When Lois emerged she found Clark waiting for her. Not wanting to speak to him, she tried to brush straight past him, but he put out his arm to detain her. "Lois, please." He gazed at her tear-stained face, wanting desperately to take her in his arms but knowing that would be a mistake.

She turned on him. "Don't think that you can just - just send me a few roses and that makes everything all right!" she exclaimed angrily.

"I don't!" he protested. "I sent the flowers to say sorry, because I *am* sorry. I know it doesn't make everything all right. I know I hurt you last night, and that by walking out on you all the time I'm treating you badly -"

"Oh you do realise that, do you!"

"Yes! But last night I - I had a very good reason for leaving, even though I hated doing it. I *care* for you, Lois, and it hurts me to keep having to walk out. I'd really like to explain to you why I had to leave last night, Lois. Will you listen to me? Please?" He looked at her earnestly, his brown eyes pleading with her.

She stared back at him, initially belligerent, but then the effect of his words began to sink in. He cared for her - yeah, she'd heard that one before. But he sounded sincere - and besides, she really did want to know what story he'd come up with this time. The truth, or just another excuse? Curiosity, and the knowledge that whatever Clark felt for her, she was pretty sure she loved him, led her to decide to give him one last chance.

"So? What is this... very good reason?

"Not here," Clark muttered anxiously. Lois, this is a... conversation I'd much rather have with you in private. Will you come to my apartment after work this evening?"

Lois sighed, then decided that she had nothing to lose and possibly a lot to gain. In any case, the longer she argued the longer she would have to stay here talking to Clark, which at the moment she didn't particularly want to do. She was pretty sure that if this discussion continued for much longer she wouldn't be able to prevent him seeing how much he had upset her. "OK then."

***************************

Lois climbed into her Jeep and started the engine for the drive over to 344 Clinton, Clark's apartment. She had been debating with herself all day whether this was a good idea or not. Luckily for her sanity, Clark had left the Planet not long after their conversation and had later called in to log a story about another Superman rescue he had covered. He hadn't been back to the newsroom by the time she'd left. Back in her apartment, she had contemplated cancelling their arrangement, and on one occasion she had even picked up the phone and dialled Clark's number. The line had been busy. She briefly considered not turning up at all, but then her eye had fallen on the red roses which she had brought home from the office and were now in a vase in her living room. She had told herself they were too beautiful to throw away.

"Why would he send me *red* roses," she wondered aloud. "Yellow I can understand, but red... Is he trying to tell me something?"

<I'm not going to be taken in by any more lame excuses!> she promised herself. <I'll listen to what he has to say and if it's stupid, another Cheese of the Month Club or something like that, I'm leaving and he can just get out of my life.>

*****************************

Clark paced up and down in his apartment as he waited for Lois's arrival. He wasn't sure, despite her earlier agreement, that she would actually come at all. Besides, he was very nervous. He had taken the decision in the small hours of that morning to tell her the truth about Superman, if he could get her to listen to him. But telling her had seemed easy enough then. Now, he ran his hands through his hair as he contemplated the range of possible Lane responses to finding out that her hero, Superman, was none other than the mild-mannered reporter, the 'hack from Nowheresville' who had been the butt of her bad humour only too frequently over the 18 months or thereabouts they had known each other.

His parents had tried to help, and in fact had been rather more upbeat in their assessment of the situation than he was - but then, he reminded himself, they didn't know Lois as he did. He had spoken to them on the telephone half an hour ago; he'd wanted to fly out and be with them, but hadn't wanted to take the chance that Lois might come early and find him gone. His mother had been very pleased that at last he was going to tell Lois the truth, since she'd been urging him to do just that since he and Lois became closer. His father, Jonathan, had been a little more cautious, worried that the more people who knew Clark's secret the greater the potential danger to him.

"Lois won't tell anyone, I know that, Dad," Clark had insisted.

"But Clark honey, if you're so sure of that why haven't you told her before?" Martha had cut in, as usual finding the flaw in his reasoning.

"Oh, I don't know, Mom - or, I guess I do, really. I need to know -"

"That she loves you and not the man in the cape. I know, honey. But I really don't think that Lois is that superficial. Don't you think you're being insulting to her to suggest that she is?"

Clark winced. It wasn't as if he hadn't told himself that on occasion, and it was one of the things he just knew Lois would bring up. "Yeah, I know, Mom, but you haven't seen her with Superman. I have."

Martha had sighed. "Clark, honey, you're talking about yourself in the third person again. Of course Lois cares for Superman - he's you! You'd want her to love all of you, not just one side of you."

"Your Mom's right," Jonathan had chimed in. "Lois is a lovely person, and if you want a relationship with her you've got to be honest. Just make sure you explain to her why she has to keep this a secret. Just imagine if it got out..."

"They'd dissect me like a frog, I know, Dad," Clark had finished. "At least, once they'd got hold of some Kryptonite, I guess."

Martha and Jonathan had wished him luck and he'd felt a little more cheered. For a couple of minutes, that was; until he'd rehearsed his conversation with Lois once more and yet again arrived at a conclusion in which she'd stormed out of his apartment in a furious temper, telling him that he needn't bother flying up to her apartment window any more.

It was almost a relief when he heard Lois's knock at the door. He'd been so engrossed in his thoughts that his superhearing hadn't picked up the sound of her car, or her footsteps on the outside steps.

****************************

Lois knocked tentatively on Clark's door, wondering for the two hundredth time why she didn't just turn around and go straight back home again. She had at least a million more important things to do with her time this evening, like...like washing her hair or feeding her fish or phoning her mother. On second thoughts, perhaps trying to talk to Clark wouldn't be too bad after all. As long as he stayed put...

When Clark opened the door Lois slowly went in and down the steps into his apartment, noticing again just how attractive Clark was in casual clothes. This evening he was wearing a pale blue collarless cotton shirt with blue jeans. In a suit he often looked as if he'd stepped straight out of the pages of GQ, she thought, though his ties tended to be a little off the wall sometimes. But in casual clothes his muscle tone and hard stomach were much more obvious. Clark denied that he worked out, but Lois knew that he was fit and very strong. Watching him walk across the room to the kitchen area, she felt her mouth become dry and her thoughts drifting to areas she certainly did *not* want to get into! Not before they'd talked and Clark had given her at least a passably credible explanation.

"Ah - Lois - you want something to drink?" Clark asked nervously, causing Lois to snap out of her reverie.

"Yeah, whatever - I mean, if you're having something," she replied. Playing with her hair, she turned away and pretended a close interest in his bookshelves; anything than be caught staring at him! He certainly had a strange collection, she thought, not for the first time. Books from all around the world, many of them in foreign languages. But then, Clark was a strange one himself. He could speak several languages; she'd never actually been able to find out how many, but they included some Asian and Oriental languages which, Lois knew, were very difficult for foreigners to learn. Lois found herself remembering that Superman also spoke a lot of languages. >Now where did that thought come from?> Lois wondered, puzzled.

"Here you go," Clark called, putting two mugs down on his coffee-table. He waited nervously for Lois to turn around and join him. He had been trying to gauge her mood ever since she'd walked in, but it had been difficult since he realised she was avoiding looking at him. She sat on the edge of his sofa, careful not to come too close to him. Recognising Lois's need for space, Clark pulled up another chair and sat opposite her.

"Lois -"
"Clark -"

They both began to speak at once. Clark tried again. "Lois, please, let me go first. I've been rehearsing this all evening - well, actually, since last night, trying to find the right words to tell you..." He paused, taking a shuddering breath. This was *much* harder in reality than his worst imaginings.

Lois was now watching him, studying his face. She could see that he was nervous, and clearly afraid that she was going to walk out on him. More importantly, in his deep brown eyes she saw sincerity and that, more than anything, led her to reassure him. She spoke softly, "I'm not going anywhere, Clark. Take your time."

Clark took another deep breath. <Please,> his inner voice pleaded, <a siren, an alarm, anything to let me get out of here... what am I talking about??> "Lois, I want more than anything to tell you this. I have a secret, something I've been keeping from you and from everyone else for nearly as long as I've known you." He stopped, considering how best to continue.

"This secret... it's connected with your disappearances, right?" Lois asked, by now curious.

"Yeah."

Lois stared at him. "You're not married, are you?"

"What? Of course not!" Clark exclaimed. "Lois, I couldn't deceive you like that!"

"Well, you've been deceiving me about something," Lois pointed out.

"Yeah, but not that." Clark got abruptly to his feet, running his hand roughly through his coal-black hair. He circled around the small living-room, then returned to stand a few feet from Lois. He fixed his gaze on her and spoke quietly. "Lois, the first thing I need you to know is that I love you. I have loved you almost since the first day we met at the Planet, nearly two years ago." He paused, seeing that whatever she had been expecting, it hadn't been his declaration of love.

Lois, for her part, was trying to come to terms with what had been, for her, an astonishing revelation. She stared at him, her brown eyes wide. "Clark... but you said you'd lied, that you'd only said it to stop me marrying Lex..." She stopped, still unable to believe what she had heard.

Clark remembered that day outside the Planet offices, when he'd taken back his words of love to Lois, albeit with his fingers crossed behind his back. He had never been sure, since, whether it had been the right thing to do. His Mom hadn't thought so: Martha had told him off for it as soon as he'd told her about it. "Lois, I *do* love you. I meant it that day in the park before you got engaged to Lex and I mean it now. That day... I guess I thought you might feel awkward about working with me, being friends, when it was obvious you didn't feel the same way, so I told you I hadn't meant it."

She gave him a hesitant smile, which gave him hope. Maybe this was going to work after all? "Clark, do you mean you *lied* to me when you said you didn't love me?"

Clark turned half away, and said in a rush, "I had my fingers crossed... it wasn't exactly a lie."

She stared at him, open-mouthed. "You Boy Scout - you crossed you fingers? I don't believe it! Have you any idea what I was about to say to you that day before you got in with your little white lie?"

He shook his head. "I thought you were going to tell me again that we could only be friends."

Lois brushed her hair back from her face and stood up to face him. "No, I wasn't. I'd realised that my feelings for you -"

"Lois," Clark interrupted suddenly. "I want to hear what you wanted to say that day. But I have to tell you my secret, and I'd rather do it before we talk about anything else. I want so much for us to have a future together, and we can't even begin to think about that until you know - everything."

She stared up at him, seeing the love and the anxiety and the determination in his face. She couldn't imagine what he had to tell her which could be as earth-shattering as his demeanour was suggesting. "OK, Clark, this sounds pretty serious. I'm listening."

He took yet another deep, shuddering breath and tried to find the words to begin. <Lois, ever since you've known me I've been moonlighting in a cape and tights.> No way. <Lois, you know how you thought Superman was a real person, well he's not, he's me in disguise...> Pathetic! He paced up and down the room a couple of times.

"Clark!" Lois called to him. "It can't be that bad - just spit it out!" She sat back on his sofa watching him as he paced, dragged his fingers through his hair, threw back his head and stared at the ceiling as if for inspiration, and eventually turned back to face her. This was clearly big-time.

Clark came to squat in front of Lois and grazed her cheek lightly with his knuckles, then took her hands in his. "I've practised this so many times, and now you're here and it's finally the right time I don't know how to say it. It's that... " He released her hands and spoke again. "Lois, I'm Superman." He took a deep breath - it was finally out!

Lois had been gazing intently at Clark's face, wondering what on earth there could be to have him in such a state. She heard his words, but at first they didn't register. Clark, watching her expression for some reaction, realised that his confession had not quite sunk in and he reached for his glasses with one hand, unbuttoning his shirt with the other. "Lois, look at me."

*Lois, I'm Superman.* *Lois, I'm Superman.* The words were beginning to ricochet around and around in Lois's head as they finally sank in. Clark's actions only added to the impact. As Lois watched, he removed his glasses and as he opened his shirt the familiar Spandex suit became visible under the cotton. Lois's breath caught and she emitted a small cry of anguish.

"Superman...no! I can't believe it!" She jumped to her feet and, pushing past Clark, ran to the other side of the room, her chest heaving. A plethora of images were running through her head, each more painful than the next given what she now knew. Images of talking to Clark about Superman, talking to Superman about Clark... practically ignoring Clark one minute, then simpering and blushing the next when Superman appeared.. and the worst of the lot, telling Superman she would love him as an ordinary man, when only a few hours earlier she had rejected the same 'ordinary man' when he had told her he loved her.

It was all too painful to bear. Tears now coursing freely down her cheeks, she fumbled for a tissue, ignoring Clark who, she could tell, was now standing close behind her.

"Lois?" Clark said softly. "Talk to me, please. I know this has been a shock, but I needed to tell you the truth. I needed you to understand..."

Lois whirled around to face him, now uncaring about the tears which flowed unchecked. She lashed out at him. "You need me to understand, do you? Understand why you *lied* to me? Humiliated me? Laughed at me behind my back for the way I hero-worshipped Superman? And I thought Superman was so... good, and honest. That he'd never deceive me or anyone!" she choked out. "Who else knew about this?"

"No-one knew - no-one in Metropolis, anyway," Clark replied quietly. "My parents know, of course - Mom made the costume." He looked despairingly at Lois. She had taken the news very badly, and he had no idea how to get through to her, even to comfort her, let alone help her to come to terms with what she now knew. "Lois," he began again, his soft voice betraying his own pain. "I never laughed at you. I never humiliated you -"

"No? What about that night when I... you said I should have a *lead-lined robe*?" she flung at him, dragging the back of her hand across her eyes to brush away tears in an attempt to regain her control.

Clark flushed. He had regretted that remark as soon as he'd said it, but it had been too late to take it back. Besides, he'd felt angry and betrayed at the time. He reached out a hand towards Lois, but she backed away. Hurt and by now despairing of being able to retrieve the situation, he moved away from her and turned to stare out of the kitchen window into the now-dark night. He spoke at last, "Lois, I ... was very hurt that night. I had told you ... how I felt about you, laid my heart and my dreams at your feet. Of course I would never have told you if it hadn't been for Lex, because I knew you didn't ... love me." He paused, taking a shuddering breath. It was painful for him to remember, but he forced himself to relive that night. "You rejected me, which you were perfectly entitled to do. But then you told me you wanted to see Superman, and it was pretty obvious that you wanted to tell him you'd be his for the asking. I was - angry - that you couldn't see beyond the suit and the superpowers. So when I got there... I guess I wanted to hurt you in return. I would have apologised, but then you said you'd love me if... well, you know now that it would have been impossible for me to believe that." He turned back to face her, and saw that she was watching him warily.

Lois had listened to Clark's words in silence, hearing the sincerity in his voice and taking in and acknowledging the truth of what he'd said. But she felt that it wasn't that simple. There was still the hurt, the knowledge that he had deceived her for so long, allowed her to make a fool of herself, and *lied* to her when she had thought he was her best friend, the one person she could *really* trust. The tears now dry, she looked him straight in the eye and said, "How was I supposed to see beyond the suit if you didn't tell me and went out of your way to make sure I never found out?"

"You're right," Clark said. "I didn't want you to know - not then, anyway. But, irrational as it sounds, I still felt that you should have realised..." He tailed off, unsure exactly what he'd wanted. Not to be passed over as Clark in favour of a one-dimensional creation in a Spandex suit, that was for sure. But Lois's objection had made perfect sense. He had convinced her that he was two separate people.

Lois, for her part, was gradually coming to terms with the knowledge of Clark's identity. Her journalistic instincts were also coming to the fore, and she was seeing now how she should have worked out Clark's secret long ago. The clues had all been there... She took a deep breath and made a decision.

"Clark, can I use your bathroom? I'd like to wash my face." Without waiting for a response, she moved in the direction of the bathroom.

"Sure," he replied. "What do you want to do? I know you're upset - do you want to go home, or can we talk?"

She glanced back at him and replied, "I think we should try to talk. I am upset - I'm *angry* - but I've got a lot of questions and I don't want to leave this just yet."

"OK," Clark agreed. "I'm glad you want to talk."

"Just as long as you don't get called out to an emergency," she added as it struck her that this was a distinct possibility.

He shook his head. "I'm sure the emergency services can handle things for an hour or two. I'm not going anywhere until you want to go home - then I'll fly you."

Lois didn't reply to this, feeling unsure as to whether she was quite ready as yet to confront this practical evidence of Clark's Super-identity. She splashed cold water on her face until the puffiness and traces of tears had gone. She was still upset, and she was angry. But she wanted to remain in control of herself and of the conversation. <What do I want from this?> she asked herself, but was unable to find an answer. Everything had changed completely. A few minutes earlier she had been delighted when Clark had told her he loved her, and she had felt sure that there would be a simple explanation for the disappearances. Never had she imagined anything as big as this!!

And yet the evidence had been there, if she had only been prepared to see it. The disappearances, yes; and many of them had been followed shortly afterwards by the appearance of Superman. There was Clark's Superman exclusives, and the fact that she knew he was the only person who could always contact Superman when he was needed. There was the fact of their physical similarities - why had she never seen that before? How could she have been fooled by a pair of glasses and slightly different posture? And there was the sonic boom last night. Lois now understood what her subconscious had been trying to tell her. On many occasions when Clark had run off, like last night, the sonic boom of Superman flying at superspeed had been heard shortly afterwards. Yet another clue. And, of course, all the little things which Clark had failed to explain properly over the time she had known him: how he had known who was at the door before he answered it, how he had been able to see something at a distance, how he had appeared at a crime or accident scene after Superman had left, and yet known things only Superman had seen... *How* had she been so stupid, so blind?

In the kitchen, Clark made himself carry on with routine tasks, washing the mugs they had used earlier, making fresh coffee and finding some chocolate chip cookies - made by his mom the last time he'd been in Smallville, a couple of days earlier. Inwardly, he was in turmoil. How could things have gone so badly wrong? It had seemed as if he was about to get everything he wanted: Lois had strong feelings for him, he had felt sure about that. She possibly even loved him. And he was well aware that she had always wanted to be close to Superman. How had the knowledge that Clark and Superman were one and the same destroyed the possibility of her love for him? Would she even want to be friends?

What was she *doing* in there??

Part 2