Rate this: (1=avoid it, 10=adore it!)

Average score to date: 7.56
1	2	3	4	5	6	7	8	9	10

This was Robert's second film, and his first location shooting, at El Paso in Texas ... apparently making the film was fun, but he can't say the same about the film itself! Quote: Manchester, UK, May 1998

Review by Suz:

I pick up the remote and flick it to channel 5. Okay, let's see...sand. That's the first thing I notice. Lots of men and sand. One real ugly guy who had to be a baddie and he's got several cops as hostages. Someone is on a ledge shooting down at the baddie. So far I don't recognise anyone. Then I hear it. I hear someone say the name 'McQuade'.

My brain goes into overdrive. The alarm in my head rings loudly.

Wait a minute...there's a Robert Beltran film called 'Lone Wolf McQuade'... I leap into action, running into the bedroom and picking up a blank tape from the side. I pelt back into the next room, trying to unwrap the video (damn shrink wrap stuff) while I eject the B5 vid I was watching. "Come on you b*stard. Faster!" (I should point out that it's been quite hard finding RB films in England, so when you see one, you tape it).

Finally the B5 vid pops out and I shove the blank vid in and hit record. A nanosecond later RB appears on the screen. I laugh. "He looks so young!" And the role he's playing? Wait for it...a cop. What is it with this guy? Why does he always play cops?

SPOILERS AHEAD!!! I'M GOING INTO A LOT OF DETAIL SO IF YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW, DON'T READ. THANK YOU KINDLY.

Anyway, he's being held hostage until the guy on the ledge takes care of the baddie and sets them free. And who's the guy on the ledge? Chuck Norris. Doh! It would be a Chuck Norris film.

As I sit down things have now moved to a city and we discover than old Chuck is a Ranger. And he does things *his* way. Hey...this sounds suspiciously like every other cop movie ever made. It he's an old, experienced cop with his own technique, that means he had to be assigned a young (an extremely good looking) and naive partner. I'm right.

Desperately hoping his partner is youknowho I freeze as someone knocks on the door to Chuck's bosses office. And in steps...RB. Drool.

YES! He *is* Chuck's partner, which means we'll be seeing quite a lot of him...not that way ladies, mores the pity. Please lower your eyebrows.

Predictably, Chakotay...uh...Chuck wants nothing to do with RB (fool). "I work alone." Oh dear. How many times have we heard *that* line? It's appears we've entered Cliche Land!

But our man RB doesn't give up so easily. He goes to Chuck's house to confront him ("I'm your partner, remember?"). Chuck calls him 'kid' all the time (how patronising), and RB calls Chuck 'Ranger' all the time (how annoying - it really got on my nerves. Throughout the whole film that's all he ever calls him).

RB is eventually scared off my Chuck's wolf (every home in the world should have one. Wolves always seem to work wonders in the movies). Unfortunately our first impression of RB is not a very good one. He looks gorgeous, of course, but this man is in serious need of some self-assertion (I'd be willing to help). He looks upon Chuck with a great sense of awe, and practically deifies him. Of course, Chuck treats him like crap, but eventually RB earns his respect. Then we meet the baddie who kills lots of people. I think he's played by David Carridine (I missed the opening titles so I'm guessing) who interestingly was in another RB film but that time played a goodie. Anyway, he's nasty (and gets even nastier later - killing dogs and such).

Chuck goes to pick up his daughter, and we learn that he's divorced but they all still care for each other a great deal. Turns out ex-Mrs Chuck couldn't handle waiting up each night to find out if he was dead or alive. Daughter introduces Chuck to her new boyfriend (who might as well have the words 'worm food' stamped across his forehead), and then dad takes her riding.

And who else is riding a horse? Well let's see. Long brown hair, female, attractive, nice clothing, nipples protruding slightly through her blouse...has to be Chuck's love interest. She saves Chuck's daughter's life when her horse goes mad so Chuck is instantly drawn to her (who I will now call Lovey). But then we discover...shock horror...that she's associated with David Carridine. Her dead husband (and I'm *sure* he died of natural causes) and Davey used to be partners, but now that he's dead Lovey and Davey are partners (and quite a bit more if body language is anything to go by). Davey invites Chuck to a little 'fight party' he's having, clearly wanting the opportunity to kick the crap out of him. Chuck at first says no, but then his friend, D, convinces him to go.

So there's lots of fighting in a ring but Chuck refuses to get involved (and from that moment you know the big climax will involve Chuck and Davey in an old fashioned hand to foot fight). The fighting ends and several people are on the dance floor, including RB who's dancing with a rather short blonde (cow!). Several nasty henchmen come up and start hastling him under Davey's orders and he gets severely beaten (God! He didn't even get one decent punch in. I was cringing when I was watching it - I was so embarrassed for the poor guy). Chuck intervenes and takes out about ten guys by himself (as hero's always do) just as Davey steps onto the dance floor. Before anything can happen, Lovey steps in demanding that they stop. Both back down, but the grudge is not going to go away. BUT...RB finally gets a semi-decent line. As he's hobbling away he turns to Chuck and says "You've developed a knack for saving my butt. I appreciate it." They shake hands. Aww. Well RB, anytime you want you can put your butt in my hands... Chuck's daughter and boyfriend meanwhile, are making out in boyfriend's car when he notices something on the road. Big truck, lots of light...then he hears gun fire. Leaping back in the car he starts the engine but then a car appears next to them. Telling daughter to hide (sweet) he picks up a crowbar and steps out of the car. "What are you doing here?" he demands (sweet idiot) then gets shot. Daughter screams instead of keeping quiet so the baddies can locate her easily. They drive into the side of the car she's still inside of and push it off a ledge. Crash. Bang. No boom. Ah. She has to be alive then. If they were going to kill her off there would have been a boom akin to a nuclear explosion.

Chuck and Lovey go for a walk and do a little making out of their own. As he's driving home he gets a call that his daughter's been injured so he hightails it to the hospital. Ooo. It's a vendetta now.

Displaying a complete lack of computer literacy (I almost fell about giggling when I saw the old 80's computer screens and his poor typing skills) RB manages to find a lead to a man called Snowball (don't ask me why he's called that, but from now on I'll call him Snowy - not to be confused with Tintin's little white dog...actually...they look quite similar).

RB and Chuck literally drive into the building (warrant? What's that?) and RB leaps out of the car and punches a baddie. Woo hoo! It was a good punch too. "You're learning kid." says Chuck (I'm tempted to type Chucky).

Big chase scene through the building, but Snowy gets to a car and drives off. Chuck manages to grab the back, with RB closely following in the cop car. Snowy's gun doesn't work (convenient) and finally he loses it and drives into a tank of petrol. Starts burning of course, so Chuck pulls him out and just manages to get out of the explosion range when things go 'boom'.

They take Snowy to D's place where D takes immense pleasure in threatening Snowy with a machine gun (I like D. Probably the best character). Of course he talks and gives them a name, so Chuck takes off leaving RB and D to 'look after' Snowy. Heh. The name Snowy gave them leads Chuck to a weird evil little midget (inventive, no?) who likes games. He tells Chuck nothing except that Snowy will not live through the night, then vanishes through a swiveling wall.

Back at the house, RB and D are playing poker while Snowy watches, tied and gagged. D is winning because every time RB goes for a drink he sneaks a peak at his hand (and threatens Snowy with a gun so he doesn't try and blab). RB goes to the kitchen for another drink, and then we cut back to D and Snowy. Snowy's eyes widen as he sees a shadow pass across the door and then suddenly a baddie bursts in, guns blazing. At the same time another baddie bursts in through the back door and RB dives behind the counter (wish I could get a still of that). In the other room, Snowy is dead, and D is lying on the floor gasping. Davey appears and places his foot on D's neck. Crunch. Eww.

Chuck zooms up in his (highly powered and super charged substitute for a big penis) car and runs into the house. He finds Snowy and D both dead, then sees RB. He's sitting on the edge of a chair, leaning over, his gun dangling from his fingers. He's clearly upset about D dying. He's almost in tears. He desperately needs a hug, but being a macho man Chuck just sits next to him and says "It's alright kid."

Back at work, Chuck is called into his bosses office and told that he's now off the case after all the damage he did going after Snowy. This is now the FBI's jurisdiction and he's introduced to the FBI Guy.

Disgusted, he retreats back to his house to find Lovey there cleaning up. You see, his place is a tip so she's thrown out a load of stuff and replaced all the beer in his fridge with salad. Hah. he doesn't take kindly to this. They argue and he storms out. Realising what an idiot he's being he chases after her, apologises and both set about cleaning his house. They have sex that night, but then two baddies turn up, kill his wolf (gits!) and shoot at them through the windows. In the baddies car the baddies meet up with Davey who hopes that they 'got his message across'. (It has to be said, Chuck is far more distraught about the death of his wolf than he was about the death of D).

The next morning Chuck gets a visit from FBI Guy who wants Chuck's help. Together they fly over lots of desert terrain, as FBI Guy is convinced the baddies must have a base there. Chuck points out that there's 500 square miles - this could take weeks. They get lucky (surprise surprise) and spot the base. They return later in more super charged penis substitute cars, RB and Chuck in the first one, FBI Guy and other government types in the one behind. None of the government types like Chuck. They arrive and scout out the area of the base and begin an attack. Alas, things don't go well. Government types die, FBI Guy gets shot, RB gets shot (NO!) and Chuck gets captured. Davey places him in his locked penis substitute car and buries him under a lot of dirt.

RB has no ammunition left in his big gun, so after most of the baddies are gone he stumbles into view and takes out as many of the remaining ones as he can with his pistol. Then suddenly...penis substitute car comes bursting out of the ground! That *is* an impressive vehicle. Can penetrate anything (I sense a recurring theme). RB offs the other baddies then hobbles over to the car and watches as Chuck falls out and lays on the ground, deathly still. Well...except for the rise and fall of his chest which RB, being an actor, has to ignore. "No," cries RB "you can't die on me now!" (Woah. Just had a 'Coda' flashback). Chuck opens his eyes. "Get me a beer kid." "Yes Ranger!" he says proudly and reaches into the car to get him one. FBI Guy stumbles into view and they all collapse against the car, sharing the same beer. FBI Guy looks at them. "Aren't we a sad group of bastards? Whose idea was this anyway?"

Someone knocks on the front door. Crap! I jump up from my seat and open the door...it's Mom. "Hi!" I greet "Come in and be quiet!" Confused, she follows me but understands when she sees RB on the screen. "Oh...God he looks nice." It's a wonderful thing when daughter and mother have the same taste in men.

In the few moments I've been gone Chuck has somehow found out that the baddies main base is in Mexico but he won't let RB go with him. Arriving in Mexico, he finds FBI Guy waiting for him in a restaurant. "You didn't think I'd let you go alone, did you?" Suddenly a car pulls up and Rb steps out. "Hey guys. Remember me?"

Then we see several scenes of them hiking through the wilderness until they reach their destination. They do, hijack lots of ammunition and an all-out battle occurs. Guns, explosions, we get to see RB use a grenade launcher (that'll keep me satisfied for one night). Davey and Lovey are both there. Lovey gets killed (of course).

Eventually, it's just Davey and Chuck who begin their hand to foot combat while FBI Guy and RB watch from the sidelines. After a ten minute fight Chuck is triumphant.

Back in the city, general congratulations are passed all around. Daughter and ex-Mrs Chuck are sitting in a car waiting for Chuck because he's helping them move. A police car screeches up and RB steps out. "They've got a hostage situation at the bank." Chuck looks at his family, then back at RB.

Ex-Mrs Chuck is annoyed. "McQuade..."

Chuck turns to RB again. "Hostages huh?" He leaps into the car with RB and they drive off.

"McQuade you'll never change!" Ex-Mrs Chuck yells after them.

Let's hope she's wrong.

Um...well. RB looks good. D is funny. That's about all I can say to recommend it. I'm glad I have it, it's just that I'm not a Chuck Norris fan. And this was an *incredibly* cliched film and you could tell who would live and who would die and what would happen. The only bit I *didn't* get was the midget. What the hell was that about??

Review by Suz

Buy the video at Amazon.com

More information at The Movie Database

Add your own review of this film:

Your Name
E-mail
Your Review

Reviews:

Name: AnitaLife
E-mail: betsybird27@hotmail.com
Review:

Robert was great and as always, I wanted to see more of him in it. Chuck keeps calling him "kid"--even though he's an adult. His character just wants to go along with the great McQuade. I guess they were thinking Lone Ranger, but then, I guess that's unavoidable, unfortunagely. I fast forwarded thru the rest of the movie. Seems like an endless ego stroke for Mr. Norris but, I guess for folks who like Norris it'd be great. I always like to see David Carridine, so that was a great screen match. B movie stuff. It's always good to see RB.

Name: Jennifer
E-mail: hilariousone2000@yahoo.com
Review:

I kind of thought that the music in this movie was kind of corny. But all in all, it was good. I remember the first time I saw this movie. It was in the early or mid 90's and I happened to have spotted him in the end of the movie. Well I literally took off like a shot and ran into the living room. Even though I caught only a few last minutes of the movie, I really liked RB in it. Then later on, I was able to record and watch the whole movie. The first thing I thought was: Oh my goodness, he's so young I wanna kiss him!! LOL! But of course he was probably in his late 20s or early 30s at the time. :) So of course he was young. I don't really like Chuck Norris that well but watched it anyway. Some of the parts of the movie made me laugh a little. But what's the deal with the sweating all the time and not taking baths??! I guess it was REALLY hot in El Paso, TX at the time. Oh well, good movie..loved watching RB sweat..yumm..;)

Name: Stefanie
Review:

Oh well - someone explain the plot to me (or better: what were they trying to tell us?!). Except of the wonderful plot that - i´m sure - made sense to everybody it is interesting because he changes his hairdo in every scene. And yeah, he looks young..... and sleep deprived. In fact half of the cast looks like they never had sleep during that movie. I´m sure you can get used to it after a while... *g*

Name: Angela Cox
E-mail: beltanangel@yahoo.co.uk
Review:

When I told my husband I was going to watch a Chuck Norris movie he was a little surprised....I am a Quaker...I have to say in its defence that the violence is not graphic.The most disgusting scene is the racial assault,I had to put my head in my lap because I got nausea.I have to say that is quite well done there is this frozen moment as Kayo takes in what this neanderthal has just said and right in the middle of a time for love,dancing.music...it will make you sick too.Sadly all victims of racial assault dont have Ranger Mc Quade to save.them. I think Kayo is adorable and a bit of a shock,the first time I had seen Robert outside VOYAGER...he looks so young I didnt know whether to lust after him or pack his lunch-box...at least it is shown about once a year and Robert is in it a lot.Angie

Design & (most of the) HTML © 1996-2006 katane@chantico.com - homepage
There have been 458324 visits since November 1996